Inside a Girl

2008-01-17T11:53:00.000-05:00

I am in the process of integrating this blog & my website: www.madcackler.homestead.com into a new, easier functioning (and easier to manage) wordpress site.You will still be able to read the old posts from here & most of the content from the homestead site. Of course, I'll have to chop away the dead, so not everything will make the cut.This transition will take a few months to complete. THE NEW

2007-01-09T17:03:00.000-05:00

2006-10-05T17:08:00.000-04:00

A month later...Apologies.I just really forget about this thing.It's so easy to forget.It's so easy to get caught up in weekends, trying to keep the house clean, fitting everything in, ordering, ordering, ordering & then here you go, it's a little over a month later & I remember....sometimes I like writing about my life in this thing I have called a blog. Since Dave proposed, I've been scouring

2006-08-20T11:36:00.000-04:00

When I woke up this morning it was almost 11 a.m. Ordinarily, that would qualify me as lazy. I haven't slept past 10:00 in a long time. Yesterday morning I slept past 9 & couldn't figure out what in the world was wrong with me. My body gets on a 7:45 rise & shine pattern & usually by 8 a.m. I'm starting my day.Today though it was 10:45. But last night was no ordinary night.Dave's friend, a local

2006-08-17T14:26:00.000-04:00

The last few weeks have been crazy. So much has happened & I kept thinking 'I need to write about this, I need to write about this.'Dave purchased a new vehicle 2 weeks ago. Not new, new. But new to us. We left on Friday morning to go car shopping in Lexington. (He's been car shopping online for months now.) It was such a hellish day. We'd been to a couple of lots in Mt. Sterling, Winchester &

2006-07-05T12:12:00.000-04:00

Dave found this abandoned little nest Monday afternoon beside our mailbox. The eggs are a little more grey/blue than in the photo. Beautiful & speckled.

2006-06-23T13:29:00.000-04:00

Oh my God. Three days in a row. What's going on?I'm scrambling around trying to get everything together for this weekend. I'm not sure how we're going to get everything loaded in the Jeep. It looks like we're going to be gone a month.Dave's on his way home. We should be leaving in half an hour. Especially since there are so many stops along the way (still have to pick up my dress from home). And

2006-06-22T22:37:00.000-04:00

Ohh. I've been on cloud 9.The Ani DiFranco concert at Moonlite Gardens in Cincinnati was amazing. The tickets were all general admission so after standing in line for about an hour and a half we entered the gardens & headed directly for center stage. We were in the equivalent of the second row. It was just amazing. I don't know that I can really put it into words, but seeing her performing live

2006-06-21T09:45:00.000-04:00

'a happy birthday to me a happy birthday to me' sing along everybody!Today's my birthday & honest to God that was the song going through my head this morning when I woke up & made my way to the bathroom. Because even though I sometimes still feel like I'm 12 or 13 or even 16, my bladder knows I'm getting older & the john is my first visit of the morning.I think from the 18th birthday on I've

2006-06-18T23:03:00.000-04:00

Today's Birthday Boy!Cody turned three years old today. Last week I'd say "This weekend's your birthday!" He'd say "Please, please." I thought that was so incredibly cute. He had a good time today opening presents, swimming, getting to ride his new motorcycle, playing with balloons. When he opened his presents he oohed & ahhed over everything, even his new pens & markers & crayons & folders. That

2006-06-14T21:05:00.000-04:00

This was the scene beside our house this evening. The elderly couple we rent from have a huge farm strung up & down Grassy Creek. This evening they were cutting grass & baling hay. I don't think there's anything prettier than rolls of hay in a field.

2006-06-14T15:29:00.000-04:00

Dad's coming over in 30 minutes to pick up his tiller. Beverley's bringing my dress for Billie's wedding so I can try it on. She's redoing the bodice. She went with me to try it on for the second time. In the dressing room I broke down & bawled like a baby. I'm sure it was easily heard through the flimsy walls. The store owner, who when I first tried it on just gave me blank stares & said 'I

2006-05-15T13:50:00.000-04:00

I know I'm lame. But ABC dropped Sons & Daughters, a show that made me laugh so hard I almost pissed myself every Tuesday night. Then I'd spend days becoming the oldest sister (see I didn't even get time to memorize her effing name). And I just want it back. I want to watch it again. And laugh at Whitey again. NBC studios & Lorne Micheal did the show. Hopefully, NBC will pick it up since execs at

2006-05-08T15:54:00.000-04:00

I know what you're thinking. 'Oh my God. It's the end of the world.' And that's okay. After months of no entries, I know that it will be weeks before you find this & even then you will have logged on with no intention of finding something new.But just because there have been no entries doesn't mean that stuff isn't happening in this little bitty world of mine--where Lee County seems to be the

2005-10-03T20:35:00.000-04:00

You know when you hear a song & it just slaps you in face. And you think 'God, you shouldn't know that much about me, you.' Ani DiFranco does that for me sometimes. Tonight I was swatting down cobwebs in the corners of the living room & one little chorus almost dropped me. Simple lyrics, but God, when she sings them, it's like a sucker punch in the belly, especially when you're knocking down

2005-08-04T21:59:00.000-04:00

The view from Grassy Creek tonight.

2005-07-31T00:49:00.000-04:00

"The number one killer in America is stress. The number one cure for stress is cannibis." -Willie NelsonI love Willie. Saw him last year with Bob Dylan & just melted. I've been watching his 60 Minutes uncut interview today in random spurts.I'm tired. We've been antiquing & ate good Italian food. Not gonna say much but I do have some good pics from Missouri that I'll try to post tomorrow. It's

2005-07-13T20:46:00.000-04:00

A snippet of conversation that just moved me this weekend.Dave's 94 year old great-grandmother:"The wind was coming in from the south. And we sat on the steps and watched the lightning. And it was beautiful. I didn't want you to be scared of it."

2005-07-12T17:54:00.000-04:00

For Terri:These are a few of the newest crocks I've purchased. Your friend is wise. The value of these just seem to be getting higher. When I first started collecting them it was easy to find them for around $20 (the bigger ones). Now, you're pretty lucky to find the bigger ones for less than $50. And some shoe forms. Because I like old wooden shoes. And old cast iron shoe forms.I likes 'em.

2005-07-09T23:27:00.000-04:00

I have a problem. It's more like a weakness. Maybe it's not even a weakness at all. Maybe it's a strength. Maybe it's an ability, a talent even. I have a talent for scoping out outstanding deals, for buying old things at sometimes great prices. I have practiced this talent for the last two weeks, resulting in a table stacked with old dishes, a floorboard loaded with old crocks & stoneware, price

2005-05-28T23:55:00.000-04:00

a batha songlistening until the water turns coldrunning toes along the shower wallliving in one tiny room, believingall is black outside that doornothingThis is my playlist tonight:Kind Woman-Buffalo SpringfieldCome Away With Me-Norah JonesTampa to Tulsa-The JayhawksWonderwall-Ryan AdamsWhen the Stars go Blue-Ryan AdamsBreathing-LifehouseEverything-LifehouseYou and Me-LifehouseOmaha-Counting

2005-05-27T00:01:00.000-04:00

it’s beginning to make sensewhat i mean isi understandi understand how it happenshow it’s sometimesa slow progression,slithering around & throughthe kneecaps, nippingnipping, leavingdainty red weltsto remember it byto nameor how sometimesyou look upin a bathroom mirrorafter wiping spit & toothpaste flecksfrom the glass,your hair already in its fistknuckles whiteshit heapon top of shit heapeight

2005-05-07T00:14:00.000-04:00

There's a little boy whose innocence and personality touches me so much it almost moves me to tears. Other times, I find myself cackling, bent over, holding my sides cackling. There's a little mischievous, funny look in his eyes & I recognize it so completely.Last week, while feeding Cody, I thought about perfection. How so many people have these standards that are just impossible to live up to.

2005-04-27T15:01:00.000-04:00

I really am a goober.For the past few weeks I've been saying to myself "Oooh, I really need to write this down. Oooh, I really need to blog." I've said that, but I haven't followed through with it. And now I can't really remember what all those little moments were, although at the time they seemed so important, symbolic even. Maybe it would make sense to carry a little tape recorder around. But

2005-03-29T00:36:00.000-05:00

It's been an interesting weekend, filled with heart attacks, horror, laughs, a few minor strokes & maybe even some heartbreak.Friday I broke down & went to the doctor. I hate, hate, hate going to visit a doctor, any doctor. I'd rather be beaten severely about the neck, chest & head as to haul my ass into a doctor's office. I especially hate THE waiting room. Even more so, ANY waiting room

2005-03-23T01:03:00.000-05:00

Dear Miss Doe,I'm drowning ladybugs in a half-empty Ale8 bottle. I just thought you should know. I'm not normally violent but these little fuckers are kamikaze diving, 280 miles per hour, landing in my hair, on my keyboard. They deserve to die slow, quiet deaths. So one by one I'm plunking them into a stale, wet grave. I'm amused & satisfied & quickly becoming bored. I expected it to last longer,

2005-03-22T22:14:00.000-05:00

One new painting. The Dreaming Tree.

2005-03-22T21:24:00.000-05:00

Random random 101.1. I picked daffodils today.2. I trespassed on a neighbor's property to do it.3. Their house is gone, turned to a pile of brick & burned appliances.4. The chimney still stands.5. I've taken photographs of it.6. Black & white stills that aren't pretty / beautiful / meaningful.7. They just remind me of a place. A time.8. Every spring daffodils line the

2005-03-03T10:21:00.000-05:00

WHY BURNING A CHRISTMAS TREE IN MARCH IS COOL. OR WHY YOU SHOULDN'T LEAVE A CHRISTMAS TREE ON YOUR PORCH, EVER.We finally moved the Christmas tree from the front porch. This happened sometime last week. It was moved to the yard where it stood until a mighty mighty wind or the mighty mighty bosstones knocked it over. Last week Dave intended to burn the tree in the back yard. Instead he burned the

2005-03-02T11:22:00.000-05:00

Jesco White - The Dancing OutlawI'm part of a secret cult. People who silently worship a bonafide tap dancing fool. For years I'd heard of this man, been told by several people that I had to see the documentary, that I would laugh my ass off. I was intrigued & wanted to see it. But the video was hard to find. In the beginning, the video was passed from household to household or viewed at Jesco

2005-02-20T17:21:00.000-05:00

Two new paintings posted: Truck Stop Incident & Trunk Space

2005-02-20T15:38:00.000-05:00

this is notmy americamy america is softout of focus, fullof growling women, full ofmothers anddaughterssisters & prophetswho screamon commandwho never forgetthe sound of theircollected voicewho rip though wallsof sadnessand heartbreakand one million tiny deathsand breathelifeintowhat wasonce deadwho never shut upwho never stopwho remeber what it wasto live by the gutto love from the hipto

2005-02-17T10:06:00.000-05:00

I just finished watching Mona Lisa Smile for the second time. It makes me think about roles. How hard it is to merge everything that we are into one being. I wonder if there's ever a point where you feel like everything in your life is perfectly balanced--that you're devoting enough time to all the people, things, instances you love. Balance. Inside each of us there are hundreds of possibilities,

2005-01-28T13:35:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, usually late at night while lying in bed, overwhelmed by thoughts & just wanting to go to sleep, I wonder if I'm crazy. If there's something seriously fucked up in my head. There is always a clear & definite path to this type of thinking. Something's gone wrong during the day, or I'm worrying about something that I've said or done, how it's been perceived, or I'm feeling like a

2005-01-19T15:25:00.000-05:00

Greetings Y'all!Sometimes that pops in my head. It's always Jeff Foxworthy's voice, with extra emphasis on 'greetings'.Chris C. from The Bachelorette.I should have written about this last week, when the topic was current & folks were still laughing their asses off. I don't know much of what went on during the first show. Partly because we were all wandering from room to room, mocking the poor boy

2005-01-10T20:35:00.000-05:00

In 27 minutes Mr. Chris C. will be stepping out of the limo & greeting Miss Jen Shefft. I need the piss smacked out of me, I'm so excited. I'm waiting to see how much he drinks. How he'll be portrayed. And to hear his accent compared to the others around him. Being from Kentucky, and especially eastern Kentucky, we don't tend to notice our accents. Cause everyone else talks this way too. I'm

2005-01-06T21:06:00.000-05:00

Local boy gets the opportunity to chase big-city tail. That should be a headline in the Wolfe Co. paper this week. Local boy Chris C. , (fourth from left ), is one of the 25 bachelors competing for the new bachelorette's attention. Apparently, from the commercial that is being aired, he makes us proud. Promo: Narrator's Voice: Do the guys hit on the girls? (Fellows talking to female

2005-01-03T17:58:00.000-05:00

I feel a funk coming on. Last year coming back from Lexington on New Year's Day, extremely hung over & almost choking on regret, I stared out Sam's window at the black fence rows framing a farm. Each section rushed into the next & that stretch of black seemed to go on forever. black fence rows so much like our lives, the burden face-down on our laps & suffocating Those words came to me while I

2004-12-30T20:06:00.000-05:00

I'm excited. Tonight I finished & posted a new painting. For the last few days I've just been overwhelmed by images & have had the urge to just furiously throw paint on something--wood, board, people, whatever, with whatever. I found one blank canvas, which is not the norm. Usually when the mood strikes to paint--I have nothing. I picked up an old issue of People magazine with Star Jones

2004-12-27T21:38:00.000-05:00

-->randomness<-- stumbled across a website tonight. a little girl who lived down the road. who grew up. who is now doing graphic design & art & just extraordinary pieces of work. i remember her. she rode my bus. we were the last two stops. we would sit behind the bus driver & talk about this little old man who tormented big andy ridge. he had long beard and a little rusty maroon car and drove

2004-10-18T10:32:00.000-04:00

Two months with nothing to say. Perhaps my method of communication is changing. I haven't felt the need to write anything down. Snippets of lines that will never become poems. That will be forgotten. Or filed away. Or lost. Lack of motivation is such a bitch. I'm ambitious. But not motivated. I don't know that that will ever change. Friday, I lived in a painting. Beautiful dirty blue sky

2004-08-31T12:52:00.000-04:00

It's 12:53 in the day. Cody is asleep & perfect 11 feet away from me, in his mother's bed. I've been searching the internet for an ebook for Lisa. No such luck. On the internet or at the public library. I'm wondering how she'll get the first three chapters read by Thursday without a sudden trip to Joseph Beth or Hastings. --Life in a small town.-- Two hours ago I scribbled lines while Cody ate

2004-08-24T20:19:00.000-04:00

"Now, when I get back here, I expect to find all of you marching through the streets with great bunches of wildflowers in your arms." - Kenneth Patchen Friday: Driving aimlessly through a city, water deep on the roads. Feeling as though I need to be wearing a poodle skirt & a sweater, or at least red lipstick & a kerchief over my hair. Staring out a window, eleven floors up, watching crowds

2004-08-12T19:32:00.000-04:00

bukowski's in bed with us at 4:23 in the morning. we have just unhinged our hips & now a poem for old snaggletooth roots through the sheets. first e.e, now bukowski-- this bed will see many men, all with the ability to make my eyelids stutter. Yesterday was one of those days--I opened the door, stood on the porch, began walking to my car. Coming down the steps the air was absolutely clear. As

2004-08-10T00:11:00.000-04:00

i went to the end of america to find the girl i should have been at the turning of the century, standing underneath the preserved oak toes in sand, torso the color of sea.

2004-08-09T22:47:00.000-04:00

my right now is not similar to your yesterday they are not the same. though our bodies have traveled identical countries, your arteries boil with paranoia a thirst for catastrophe--the moment your world will chaotically mushroom, bloom into heaps of metal & dust, fragments suffocating then severing the impossible head of hope. my skin is injected with the words of a city, the electricity of a

2004-07-31T11:38:00.000-04:00

It is Wednesday. I walk through Dave's door weighted with sunflowers and affection. Through his house he has scattered candles. Beside each candle, a slip of paper and a wild flower. He tells me "on each piece of paper I've listed something I love, something that makes this world a better place." I roam through the living room with Dave behind me, his hands on my hips then around me as I stop.:

2004-07-30T08:12:00.000-04:00

Nelly was a young girl. She traded glimpses up her dress tail for pieces of candy.Her father sold her to an old man for a mule.Nelly's belly would not swell with babies.She was exchanged.Returned.Traded.For her younger sister who popped out child after child.I can't determine what is worse.To be sold for a mule. Or to realize you weren't worth it. ( True story told around a kitchen table last

2004-07-26T20:51:00.000-04:00

Photograph by David Campbell. Dave. Dave is a webdesigner, a daydreamer, a visionary, a drummer, a slacker. He takes photographs of sunflowers, of gritty blue paint, purple thistles, queen anne's lace. He kisses my shoulder, touches my face, tells me I am beautiful. Makes me believe that I am beautiful. Dave lines tea light candles along the edge of his book shelf, kitchen counter, coffee

2004-07-25T09:49:00.000-04:00

"This song put me in the middle of the road. Travelling there soon became a bore so I headed for the ditch. A rougher ride but I saw more interesting people there."- Neil Young It's funny how torn jeans, lit candles, 5 am drives, windshield wipers that may or may not work make you feel like the girl you were, years ago, living on a whim, a hunch & nothing else. This week has been surreal. In

2004-07-07T18:05:00.000-04:00

I've not posted in a while & so much has been going on. So I'm gonna do my last month or so 101 style. 1. I’ve been watching The Godfather. 2. Reading Notes from Above the Ground. 3. Both have affected me. 4. In a way that makes me think that I am temporarily Italian 5. and living in a city 6. surrounded by the homeless 7. and dodging the calls of an unknown X. 8. At 25 I saw

2004-06-04T19:53:00.000-04:00

"Faith is a man who has no concept of how much groceries twenty dollars will buy. He only knows you will make sure he has food, his children are fed, clothed, washed, loved. He knows no tomorrow, only today. You are planning next week. He doesn't know how you paid the electric bill, phone bill and still spent $115.00 at Wal Mart. He doesn't ask. He knows you can pull stars out of your pockets on

2004-05-28T21:59:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I thought of a ton of things I needed to put in here. But when I actually sat down to write...nothing. Could've had something to do with the fish I ate yesterday evening & the way I became engulfed in nausea 30 minutes after eating it. The "Place Grill Marks Up" instructions should have alerted me. Today I went to Beattyville to visit Billie after I left Marcie's. She's at her mom's

2004-05-26T18:45:00.000-04:00

32 Flavors by Ani DiFranco "squint your eyes and look closer I'm not between you and your ambition I am a poster girl with no poster I am thirty-two flavors and then some and I'm beyond your peripheral vision so you might want to turn your head cause someday you're going to get hungry and eat most of the words you just said both my parents taught me about good will and I have done well by their

2004-05-23T01:22:00.000-04:00

From Adaptation Donald: I loved Sarah, Charles. It was mine, that love. I owned it. Even Sarah didn't have the right to take it away. I can love whoever I want. Charles: But she thought you were pathetic. Donald: That's her business, not mine. You are what you love, not what loves you. I've thought about Joe today. Lisa & I went fishing on Hell Creek. We rode the four wheeler down with a

2004-05-21T20:41:00.000-04:00

From left to right: Beck, Joe, Lisa. Yesterday morning Lisa told me that Joe Perry, one of our old stomping buddies, passed away during the night. I didn't know his family very well...his sister or mom & dad, although I'd met them once or twice when they came tracking Joe down to see if he was okay. I don't feel comfortable going to the funeral but I want to remember him in some way. To pay

2004-05-18T18:02:00.000-04:00

I wanted to post last night. But at 12:30 in the morning I thought 'If I start now I won't ever shut up.' I've missed this. Whatever it is. Tangible internal dialogue. Documentation of life. Random narrative. I haven't written anything that even resembles a poem in a while. Yesterday I scribbled some lines. Inspiration still lingering from the weekend. Friday night we made our annual pilgrimage

2004-05-17T02:42:00.000-04:00

Just a quick to note to say that: Yes, it's 2:42 in the morning & my eyes are falling shut. I just got my computer glitches worked out with the exception of my email account which I'll work out tomorrow. I have lots to write about/talk about/post. Everything that was on my computer which had not been saved to disk was lost. That will drive me to work on new stuff. As soon as I have my programs

2004-04-04T23:05:00.000-04:00

I don't know what this is. But it feels right. Complete freestyle writing. ~ because i wanted one big love then four thousand nine hundred tiny ones ~ because i wanted a sundance ending complete with a liftime of sequals. ~ because i don't know myself anymore. ~ because i am terrified of drowning in my own bullshit. ~ because this is getting hard and the digging just hurts. ~

2004-03-29T00:25:00.000-05:00

Things confirmed for me this weekend: 1. Most men are pathetic pieces of shit. 2. It takes a long time to realize men are pathetic pieces of shit. 3. Screaming 16 year old girls should never be allowed behind the wheel of a car. 4. I love nightgowns. 5. Fred Durst is hot. Some background info: The naive little girl in me was struck by a profound case of dumbass quite a few years ago. It was the

2004-03-25T00:03:00.000-05:00

I've been told I have a following. I always knew I would end up in a cult someday. I just thought it would have something to do with breaking Charlie out of prison, buying dune buggies for the farm, forming a brand new Manson family right here on Big Andy Ridge. It tickles me though that people are reading. Although now, I'm aware of an audience. I hope that doesn't subconsciously alter the

2004-03-05T23:52:00.000-05:00

I'm nostalgic tonight. I'm gonna tell stories. Cause I think they're funny. Actually, this is inspired by Sam & a conversation we had tonight. Ever notice that people who run in the same circles tend to think that everyone outside that circle has deep-rooted mental issues? Maybe it's just my clan. Maybe it's due to isolation. I think I'm psycho-analyzing too much & I have no right to. Anyway,

2004-01-18T17:23:00.000-05:00

Poetry. Blogging. An insane drive to communicate? Discussion with one's self? Discovery? An anonymous reaching out? A desire to say 'Here I am. This is me. Told in first person. There's no need to speculate. This is my way.'? I've been wondering why I do this--though my attempts are at best half-hearted, half-assed, sporadic posts with no real continuum. An act of processing perhaps.

2004-01-09T18:30:00.000-05:00

Back to the Dr. Phil stuff. I can't promise when the next one will get done. I didn't really want to confront this one. The Authenticity Litmus Test 1. Name a thought, belief or attitude that you hold about yourself. I am mediocre at many things, exceptional at none. 2. Is it a true fact? Is what you are thinking or feeling verifiably true. The truth? I really don’t know. I chose the above

2004-01-01T20:56:00.000-05:00

"I love you CHARLIE oh yes I do. I don't love anyone as much as you." ::except for, of course, Willie:: ::and oh yeah, Waylon:: ::and on rainy nights--live, private Goosecreek shows:: ::and a cab driver lovingly named Jimmy Boy:: ::and almost everyone in Section 15 Row Y:: New Year's Eve. Rupp Arena w/ Montgomery Gentry, Charlie Daniels, Dierks Bentley and that other dude whose name we couldn't

2003-12-16T23:05:00.000-05:00

What's been going on in my life? First of all I want to point out that the post below is prime example of the typical ways of a North American Beck Beck: become wrapped up in something for a few days then let it wither & die. That being said, this blog altogether would be a good example. It's been two months since I've even thought about this thing. Today I became wrapped up in the hype that is

2003-10-27T19:11:00.000-05:00

Many factors are coming into play right now. I feel the need for change or processing. If you've read any of my blog you know that it's been coming for a while. That I've been at a very clear crossroad and that for a few months now I've just been standing at the intersection looking at all directions. I'm coming to a point in my life where I just feel fed up with a lot of things. My point? My

2003-10-13T21:38:00.000-04:00

Creative projects are your babies. If that's true, blogger social service needs to step in & take mine away; I've neglected this thing horribly. New things in my life: Bronchitis. 3 Paintings. Admiration for Heinz Ketchup. Panic. Thursday I broke down & went to the Dr. Usually, I would rather take a beating...no, make that a caning...than to go to the doctor's office. But I think a certain

2003-08-20T00:01:00.000-04:00

Concepts floating around in my head ( because nothing is coming out whole.) : Dear Miss Doe, if i had guts i would tell you about the thing that happened in the ..../ on the .../ etc. Sincerely, i. ( I don't feel comfortable posting the components of this poem as its readers, once it comes to fruition, will be an anonymous audience where I am simply a name & not someone's beck. I.E. I

2003-07-31T23:23:00.000-04:00

I almost posted to this thing the other night. In the midst of a 30-minute-crying-bucketfuls-choking-wailing-in-front-of-my-computer-screen breakdown. I'm really glad that I just closed everything down. The thought process of a poet? What is that really? I drive down the road & this story builds in my head. It comes in snippets. It comes in long out of breathe phrases. It comes one word at a

2003-07-26T00:58:00.000-04:00

O.k. So I've not posted on here in a forever. I could tell you 'I've been really busy. I've not had time. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah.' I won't tell you that. I've had time. I could have found time. The truth is I'm so fucking deep in avoidance right now, I really don't know what to say. I've shut down some key elements of me...and truthfully, I don't know how to tap into myself anymore. I

2003-07-03T00:17:00.000-04:00

I am quite smitten with a boy. His name is Dakota Ellis. He's fourteen days old w/ black hair & blue eyes. Life is so full of tiny miracles & messes. Tuesday night Lisa went to the hospital to be induced. Due to preclampsia & toxemia her doc. thought it best to go ahead and have the baby. At 7:30 on Wed. morning he broke her water. We waited, waited, waited, waited. Watched her contractions on

2003-06-29T17:24:00.000-04:00

www.madcackler.homestead.com/cody.html

2003-06-17T12:02:00.000-04:00

Ok. Just a quick note cause life is hectic, hectic, hectic. Tomorrow we'll have a brand new cowboy on our hands. Lisa's being induced tonight. Delivery should be sometime tomorrow, the 18th. He'll be a Gemini. And a handful, I'm sure. But I can't wait to see that tiny little fragile thing. It's gonna be a rough night. But...my bags are packed & camera loaded with black & white film. I'm

2003-06-11T23:32:00.000-04:00

I'm a very happy girl. Tickled pink in all the right places. Went to Mort's today...(local flea market / junk store / if you'll dig it out...you can have it fairly cheap.) Mort, who proudly proclaims his place Wal Mort, has fantastic stuff. If you want to dig through a whole lot of worthless junk & then wipe 20 layers of dirt off found object. I've been prowling this place for years, obsessive

2003-06-11T00:09:00.000-04:00

It's coming. I feel it. I'm dreaming about it. Coming from kind old prophetic people, people who believe in spirits, in voices, in gut instincts...I've learned to trust what my subconscious is telling me. Twice I've dreamt that I've been struck by lightning. The first time about a month ago. In my dream I was standing outside an old dormitory, barefoot while the rain poured down, with this

2003-06-10T01:51:00.000-04:00

Beautiful, random conversation today with my dad about love. One of those discussions that just suddenly appears out of nowhere...and you're just stunned, mesmerized by the moment & perhaps, by the words coming out of someone's mouth. We were on the subject of stepchildren...could someone love another's child as easily as they love their own? Then the topic came to first marriages. First loves.

2003-06-09T15:45:00.000-04:00

Driving home during heavy fog listening to The White Stripes. Thinking that Rogers might not be Rogers. And that I might just be some fantastic creation. Or at least, a different version of myself. Fucking beautiful. All these small moments we participate in, create. Just fucking beautiful. Love.

2003-06-05T23:28:00.000-04:00

Clean sheets and Simon & Garfunkel make everything, everything absolutely okay. "Let us be lovers we'll marry our fortunes together. I've got some real estate here in my bag." I've always wanted to use that as a pick-up line. Actually...I might have used it a time or two.

2003-06-02T22:25:00.000-04:00

silly girl you wanted l o v e dandelions, peach wine & a forever so full. ---------------------------------------------- there is no way to document the woman i have become. split inside myself, toe bejeweled, i keep thinking about rain & how the love we made devoured all our good

2003-05-29T00:22:00.000-04:00

Okay. I just have one thing to say tonight. PMS is the mother of all Bitches. I've been torn to hell all day. Psychotic, weepy, whiny shit...Just that kind of mood where you can turn to a blubbering mess with one look/ in a heartbeat/ nothing has to be said...but if you have a mean tone....I'm bawling. I get like this...one week out of every month. And you would think, if I know this...I would

2003-05-24T00:19:00.000-04:00

"Depression is the flaw in love. To be creatures who love, we must be creatures who can despair at what we lose..." Last night while reading The Noonday Demon that quote hit me so profoundly. Perhaps it's because I've wanted to spend the last two weeks in bed with my knit jersey sheets pulled over my head. It might be different if I could bawl, break down, slam my fists into the mattress.

2003-05-12T11:20:00.000-04:00

The Monday after a long, long weekend. Fri. night we decided to go out of town. Top down, music up, we hit the parkway. Billie w/ red sunglasses in the back. Sam with a smile up front. My hair everywhere in the driver's seat. Plans to pick up Lisa in Winchester floating around in our heads. After 30 some minutes of driving, wind picked up, the sky turned the black. Just as we put the top up,

2003-05-04T23:45:00.000-04:00

101s force me to think. Even when my body wants to run. 1. Little girl insides. 2. All it took was for him to love me. 3. I could have let loose. 4. Chiseled brick & mortar until my fingers were raw. 5. It's easy not to remember when I'm removed from the situation. 6. I'm in love with Cherry Garcia. 7. At some point in my life, 8. I'll be in love with everything created. 9. I have wandering

2003-04-23T23:18:00.000-04:00

Okay. So I just spent an hour on here venting. & lost everything because the window shut down. How fucked up is that? But, that's how my life is right now. And I'm not & can't write any of that over again. I tried. Much love.

2003-04-17T00:14:00.000-04:00

He held his finger against the line. Not forcefully, but delicate. Just enough to allow him to feel. Movement. A tug. Even when his bobber floated behind the concrete bridge support, out of view, he sat calmly, matter of factly. He believes in the things he cannot see. Lives by what he feels. Fishing with my father for trout in swift water. He teaches me so many things daily....every minute.

2003-04-14T22:51:00.000-04:00

I procrastinate. Today is April 14th. Tomorrow my taxes will go in the mail. Completed last night, I wasn't satisfied with preparing them a day early. Push the envelope. Always push the envelope. So many things going on in my life. Contemplating direction. Thinking about voice. Getting ready to stir up a stink right here in Smalltown, USA. "To see what is right, and not to do it, is want of

2003-04-07T22:51:00.000-04:00

101 or something like it. 1. Rebecca & Venus 2. Gemini & Cancer 3. All that doesn't really matter 4. But it seems as vitally important as my 5. Date of Birth or my Social Security #. 6. In case of accidental ingestion 7. Drink warm milk & 8. Call your mother. 9. If your mother is buried somewhere in Chambers cemetery 10. Write letters to her when you turn 17. 11. And again

2003-04-06T23:58:00.000-04:00

"thinking of the girl i was / drawing blood / luring you along" A line by Rachel somebody. In Berea art dept. (1996 ?), I saw a very simple watercolor done by a student. A line figure walking in a field. Along the bottom was written. "He raped me while the flowers watched and got off." I'll never forget my reaction to that piece. How it's clung to my brain and comes back to me in those silent

2003-04-05T18:40:00.000-05:00

Waiting for L. to come over for fettucine alfredo & jackass. It's comforting to know that other people own blow-up dolls and aren't afraid to enlist them as passenger. (buckled up..always buckled up.) County music infomercial on T.V. right now. Makes me think of my friend Tammy. The letter she sent me shortly after JFK Jr. died. How she tried to persuade me to go to Tennessee with her. Work at

2003-04-04T01:21:00.000-05:00

Yeah. So I don't know why I'm doing this. Randomness, I suppose. Perhaps to catalogue all those things in my head..experiences..feelings...all those instances that don't find their place in my poetry, art. Whatever it is I piddle with.